Update: Blasting through the negativity

I feel as though an update on running/life is sorely needed, so here goes!  It might be fairly intense.  Oops.

After I DNFed nine days ago, my coach decided to keep me in the conference lineup for the 5k anyway.  Woo!  I gave myself a couple days to eat my feelings and deal with the medicine wreaking havoc on my body.  I felt like an elephant.  Running had been horrible for a couple weeks.

Last week, my coach forced me to take an off day on Monday- “Would you rather run today, or would you rather run at conferences?”- and I did a 9-mile MR+ on Tuesday.  That was a bad run; it was a million degrees and I felt heavy/dead right from the start.  On a positive note, we had our annual athletic awards ceremony that night, so we got to dress up for once!


I cross trained for 40 minutes on Wednesday, which felt fine, and then I did a workout on Thursday.  3 x [1000m, 600m] w/ 2-3 min rest, 5 x 200m with 90s rest.  This was probably the most normal I’d felt in weeks!  I still didn’t feel like I had any pep in my step or that little extra *something* in my legs, but I hit 3:28, 1:59, 3:30, 2:00, 3:31, 1:58 and did not time the 200s (but apparently my last one was a 33).  I ran 3 miles on Friday, 10 on Saturday, and 6 on Sunday.  Total mileage for the week was around 37- a little low, but whatever.

The thing is, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been struggling a lot mentally.  There’s been some issues outside of running in my life recently, and it’s made it hard to focus completely, especially on top of being sick and not feeling 100%.  The negative thoughts have been creeping in way too often.

Even though last Thursday’s workout was okay, I kept thinking, “These thousands feel so hard.  How am I going to run a 5k around this pace?  I can’t do it.  I can’t do it.  I wish I were a 1500 runner.  I can’t run the 5k.  This is too hard.”  These thoughts have been popping into my head on almost every single run.

Our last day of classes was April 29th, and today marked the beginning of finals period.  I had my stats final in the morning.


Today’s workout was supposed to be 10 x 400 a tiny bit faster than race pace (so we were supposed to do 82s).  Not a bad workout at all, right?  Well, it turned out to be another negative day for me.  It was 83 degrees and the sun was blazing and I felt like throwing up.  Maybe it was due to eating lunch at 11:30-12 and working out at 2, maybe it was due to the heat, maybe a lot of things.

But struggling to do 400s at 5k goal pace and having to quit after 8 x 400 (2 miles worth of work, aka only 2/3 of the distance I have to race on Friday, with breaks) just sucked.  I had to go take a quick cold shower before doing a 15 minute cool down.  I was supposed to get 9 miles in today; I got 7.  This has been happening constantly for the past three weeks.  It’s annoying not to hit mileage every damn day.

And here’s the thing: unless I magically pull a 17:16 out of my butt at conferences, my season ends Friday, so today was my last real workout of freshman year, and I fucked it up yet again.


How ironic that as I type this, I’m listening to the playlist “100 Most Uplifting Songs Ever” on Spotify.

Anyway, I recognize my negativity and distraction, and here are some things I need to keep in mind:

  1. I don’t have a stressful finals schedule.  I only have two exams and a presentation, and I’ve gotten one exam out of the way with the presentation coming tomorrow.  I can relax if I want to!
  2. Boy drama, roommate drama, friend drama, any drama- I need to put it aside and realize that it’s not important right now.  Or realize that it needs to be blasted through.  One of those things.  I’m just spitballing right now, honestly.
  3. I love to run.  I love my team.  A 5k is long, yes, and mentally difficult.  But a few bad workouts are not a reflection of my ability to run 12.5 laps around the track as fast as I can.  I’ve put in the work for months and months, and even a couple weeks won’t destroy that.
  4. Stop thinking that I can’t run 3.1 miles!  (Sounds ridiculous, but yes, this thought has been popping into my head quite regularly.  Runners are weird.)  I ran 10 on Saturday.  Just because today was only two miles of work on the track does not mean anything.  Just because I was very glad when the 20-minute warm-up was over does not mean I cannot run 3.1 miles.
  5. Run for the team.  Yeah, I haven’t been feeling so hot, but everything we do is for the betterment of the team.  There are 5 other women suffering experiencing the 5k along with me.  GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME.  FOR THE TEAM.
  6. Stop being negative about nutrition.  This is a whole ‘nother can of worms, but to sum it up quickly, I don’t think my attitude right now is very good.
  7. STOP THINKING THINGS SUCH AS “X more days and I can be done!”  Cherish the next few days.  Memories will be made, the team will work toward a common goal (winning conferences!), and I need to keep this in mind!  I do this for a reason!

Ok, I should probably stop now.  I’m going to watch “Forrest Gump” and not study for finals 😉  It’s very weird to think that I’ll be done with freshman year and moving out in one week!!


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